The Medicine In Motherhood

Some say motherhood is the toughest job in the world. For the more logical people, this statement is absurd because they can think of all the people working dangerous jobs and mothers get to stay safe at home. I will paint a picture to illustrate why many women might say that.

If you really understand the meaning of perspective, then you’re aware we’re all struggling at something. For me, motherhood was the manifestation that ultimately put me at the choice point to learn how to truly love myself and others. Somehow choosing to get pregnant gave me the permission to start setting boundaries to honor myself. I finally believed I was worthy of tender care and adoration. This came with many tests, I was surrounded by people who didn’t know how to be with my real self, the vulnerable Jackie who craved to be spoiled. I found spirituality when I was four months pregnant by chance. I was obsessively looking for videos that could help my mother since she was one of the first people I needed to set boundaries with and I didn’t want to completely abandon her. She was very sick and fully depended on me. A random video out of place caught my attention and I decided to watch it. I was hooked, this is what I was looking for without knowing. I found the teachings of spirituality to be very empowering.

This video was about anger. This spiritual teacher taught me to validate myself. For the first time I could see I wasn’t evil for not liking the people around me, I was so angry for being neglected and I finally gave myself permission to be. This made it possible for me to finally set boundaries without feeling crippling guilt. This time I understood the guilt was there out of habit and I could eventually set myself free by doing the famous inner work. I was so happy and grateful for this new found information that I could enjoy my pregnancy and I healed a lot of my fears about giving birth. I had always been a hypochondriac and I understood it stemmed from feeling unsafe in the world.

So far motherhood had done the impossible for me and my baby wasn’t even born yet. I was the most beautiful pregnant lady I had ever seen and I manifested the birth of my dreams. Even the doctor said to me, “don’t tell other women how easy it was for you, they’ll hate you”. I know he meant it in a good way, my experience was quite unusual for a first time mom. I decided my baby was gonna come so fast that the doctor would say something like that. I literally pushed once and Jack came out. I was meditating the whole time and talking to him giving him instructions on how to come into the world. I even told him to come at 37 weeks because his head was getting too big and I didn’t want any complications. He was born at 37 weeks and one day without any complications. I just knew it’d be that way so I had no room for fear to creep in.

Needless to say, finally holding my baby in my arms was the most amazing feeling of joy I had ever experienced. The song “I don’t want to miss a thing” took a whole new meaning. I could not sleep because I just wanted to observe and learn how to soothe my beautiful boy. I understand now when people say that their kids saved their life. This love is so powerful that I have no doubt it was the medicine that saved me from a lifetime of bitterness. All I could do was cry of joy and I felt so proud of myself for doing it so amazingly. I also cried so much thinking of the women who had to leave their new borns to go back to work. At the time I had a part time job, working from home as a graphic designer. I had it quite easy, in the eyes of those around me but even then, it was too much for me to do when I had this huge blessing in my home. I spent my days doing skin to skin and it was intoxicating.

When he was two months old, my husband and I separated, not my choice, I wasn’t ready to worry about surviving in such a vulnerable time for me. Regardless, I had to move on and I decided to quit my job to spend quality time with my son and think about ways to thrive in my circumstances. Everyone worried about me spending my savings like that but I didn’t care, I knew I was going to be ok. I needed to heal and spoiling myself with that freedom was the way that I could be the mommy I wanted to be. In the meanwhile I studied the tarot because I always wanted to and it seemed like the perfect time to do it. I definitely had moments of panic because people kept talking to me about my future and thought I was crazy. Maybe I was, but it has served me well. I gave myself time to heal by investing in myself. This time, I dared to do what I wanted even though fear was always knocking at my door. I was brave because I trusted in my ability to make an income doing what I love, I was tired of having jobs, I wanted to be my own boss.

The hardest test came when I had to overcome jealousy. I felt just like a toddler learning about sharing, and it was the biggest lesson on letting go. My ex husband married a young girl who appeared to really want to overcome herself and be a family and accept me in the picture. I can’t blame her for being jealous of my presence but regardless, I had to accept her as a second mother figure for my son myself. Like I said, we all have our struggles, I did my best to overcome my need to be number one for my son. I not only allowed for them to have their own relationship but I slowly was able to encourage it. We were sharing custody 50/50 and I hated hearing my son scream when he didn’t want to go away from me. I understood it was best for him to feel loved by many and not be sad for being away from me, I didn’t feel more loved by him suffering. Is this not the epitome of love? I really think so. I grew to genuinely be happy if my son was happy regardless of the source. I got really excited for him to have more love and more people he can count on. I deep down knew the capacity of my love for him would never be lessened by him having more of it. I knew our bond could only grow stronger by allowing him to be in an abundance of love.

This experience pushed me to my limits and beyond. I didn’t give in to the rage I felt when she demanded to be called mom. I only asked that she earned it by virtue of my son deciding that in time. If he thought she’s as present and nurturing as I am, then of course she earned it, but I wanted it to come from him. That relationship didn’t work out, she could not withstand my light, it trigged her too much and she chose to indulge in her shadow rather than leveling up. I went through so much drama, more than I care to explain. The point is that once again I grew my self esteem by leading the situation into the light. I am so pleased I didn't listen to the people who kept encouraging me to assert myself and fight, my son was my North Star. Whenever I was feeling rage-full, all I had to do is ask myself, would you be proud of your behavior later when he asks what happened? This made everything way harder on me, but also simpler. I knew one of my biggest values in life was to be a good example for my son. I am unable to care more about other things since I became a mother. This fils me up with meaning more than accolades ever could. I desire those too, I just mean my priorities are clear to me.

I live for good relationships and it has been quite a journey getting here. I believe for us wounded ladies, motherhood is the ultimate manifestation of the hardest job which is overcoming ourselves. To do better than was done to us, to open ourselves up to accept and give love that nurtures everyone involved. We heal by continuously choosing to do the hard thing day in and day out. We don’t get to decide to clock out and forget about it, perhaps why some women say it’s the hardest job in the world. In nurturing our babies, we embark on a path of healing that is rich with emotional growth, self-discovery, and transformative love. It’s a journey that heals not just the body, but the soul, shaping us into not just caregivers, but wiser, stronger, and more loving individuals. As mothers, we find that in the act of nurturing our children, we nurture ourselves, finding healing in the most beautiful of cycles.